Kate
My
name is Kate.
I am a SS woman and
have been SS almost all of my life. For a short time in my early 20's I
was a size 16 -20 as a result of amphetamines that were prescribed by a
physician, the first of many attempts to diet.
I am 5'8" and have
a very large bone structure, so the insurance tables that are so often
referred to are totally unrealistic for me. Many of my problems began
before birth. My mother had gestational diabetes. Consequently I was
11lbs, 8oz and 24"
long at birth.
My mother's family are all huge eaters so I never had a
chance to learn any healthy habits. The major problem for me though is
that I am incest survivor, and food became my refuge in my totally
chaotic life.
There
are mostly vague memories of childhood and none of them without pain,
By age 12 I was 5'8" and 180. Being a fat
child is hard enough - you can never have cute stylish clothing,
you get little or no exercise because you are clumsy and no one wants
to be your friend, always chosen last for team sports, "fatty
fatty 2 by 4, can't get through the kichen door."
I lived
for books and did well in school. I wasn't really teacher's pet, but
ws quiet and docile and the target of many cruel jokes. I was not the
only one, there was another girl in grade school whose whole family
was even larger than mine.
The
worst was what I received at home, especially from my mother,
constantly being screamed at and reminded of how ugly I was, how I was
so fat and it was impossible to buy clothes for me. What I did get
were her hand me downs, even when my siblings were getting new
clothes. If I complained I was quickly put in my place and reminded that
anything in my size was too expensive and she would be damned if she
would spend money on me. I was bombarded and confused, and learned
that I had no right to take up space in the universe, much less in the
family.
My parents finally divorced when I was 7,and bad went to
worse; for some reason I was the designated fault of everything. I was
daddy's girl at least from the age of 3, so it was my fault the
marriage failed etc. My two sisters, while large, were never SS and they
were not the recipients of daddy's "affection," one being
born just before the divorce and the older not as complacent as I
(was). The incest did not stop after the divorce, my mother's father
was also an abuser as well as a long string of mother's boyfriends
over the years. It didn't stop till I left home at 18.
Yes, I am sure that she knew and chose not to protect me, and I
believe that she had been abused also...not an excuse only an
explanation of how these things came about.
All
of this made me know that I was different. I wasn't asked to parties,
or to go play somewhere. I had few clothes, and what I had were
totally inappropriate to my age. I became exceedingly nervous (fight
or flight) any time I was around people, so was constantly dripping
sweat. I was every bully's target - from tripping to being hit
deliberately with a ball, once a football that hit me in the eye. The
nuns in grade school did nothing to stop bullies, not surprising for
the 50's. No one really expected it either, its just the way
things were done.
I have tried so many diets and exercise programs over the
years. They all work for a short time. After
some intense therapy I am now mostly at peace with my past, and have
vowed to never diet again. I will make the best of what I have and
not stress myself over what others want from me. I am very
fortunate to have finally found a husband who truly does like big
women and treats me like a queen. We will be married 2 years on
New Years Eve.
