I was born
on October 25, 1951. My brother, John, was 7 years older. My sister,
Debbie, arrived when I was 10.
I had measles when I
was about 3 weeks old, then got chicken pox right on top of that. The
swelling in the lymph nodes in my neck choked off and somehow killed
my thyroid. Recently my doctor told me that now is considered an
autoimmune disorder. It's like your body is allergic to your thyroid
or sees it as a foreign body and tries to kill it.
I vividly recall
being about 3 or 4 and it being summer and me in my little white
panties and white sleeveless T-shirt or no shirt at all. My parents
would be watching me, talking about how fat I was getting, etc. My
father worked in a slaughterhouse at the time and came home often for
lunch as it was very close to home. He'd come home in his whites - a
long white coat and underneath it an apron. The coat inside was lined
with different kinds of knives for killing and butchering. It was
always scary but OK until this happened. They discussing me just a few
feet from me, talking about how much I was too fat. They would say to
each other, "Yep, we're gonna have to cut her down alright."
Well, I thought they meant he would take the knives and actually
physically cut me down and I was terrified beyond description. I
begged, cried, and pleaded relentlessly, They knew I had
misinterpreted it but they thought it was hysterically funny and laughed
hysterically and teased me even more. Very, very entertaining to
them. Yeah they were young, but they were also adults remember. They
were my PARENTS. I was their CHILD.
I remember being
really young . . . preschool. There was a metal cabinet like thing
they used like a pantry. I would play with it and tried to climb up
one shelf and the damn thing caved in and bent and nearly fell over on
me. Oh....such shame. Shame and the bitching about it.
I had very high
blood pressure when they did my preschool physical at age 5. The doctor
did not want me to start 1st grade at the time as she was sure I would
have a stroke. Mom said no and sent me anyway. Good 'ol Mom. I had
horrendous headaches all the time and frequent nose bleeds but the doctor
said they saved my life and kept me from having a stroke. At that time
they did not give thyroid hormones to kids as they thought it would
mess up your entire endocrine system. So instead they gave me speed.
Lots and lots of diet pills starting at age 5 with unbelievably high
blood pressure.
At 5 I was given the
news by my doctor that I would die very early in life and suffer a
great many illness if I stayed fat, so I tried. I remember not
consuming a thing but hot tea the first week after he told me that. I
lost 5 lb., but I was cold, dizzy, headachy, hungry, weak, and tired
from it all. I could not sustain that every week, of course, so there
were a lot of personal disappointments in myself over that. I received
lots of lectures and speeches from my mom and the doctor for not
staying on my diet.
Well, when I did
start school against the doctor's advice, I was to come into the
office almost every day to get my blood pressure taken and there was
frequent checks on my pulse etc.
At school there was
the name calling and teasing to endure. The kids would imitate the
floors caving in and furniture breaking everywhere I went. It only got
worse as I got older and had to ride the school bus to junior high
school. It was so awful that I feared for my very life and cried
constantly at home and begged and pleaded not to go. But I had to go.
So I used to get up about 4AM and leave and take numerous city busses
to get anywhere close enough to the school so I could then walk the
rest through very busy traffic areas.
My weight was a
constant hot topic. I remember my second grade teacher asking me
quietly about my last blood pressure reading. Some of the kids heard
her and thought it was my weight and . . . omigawd. It was as if
they had found out I had a third eye or something. Actually, nothing
that acceptable.
I recall them trying
to find clothes for me for school that first year. None out there even
in the huskies or chubbies to fit me. So while my mother was at work,
my father bought a sewing machine and some material and took me home and
made me a the dress. He showed my mother how and after that she made
most of my clothes. She always made the sleeves too tight and too
short and I was never comfortable. She would do crazy things like
insist on cutting the neckline while I was wearing it and I was still
terrified of the scissors at my neck. It always scared me till the day
she last did it.
Shoes. One of the first
things I remember as a kid is wanting black patent leather MaryJanes
with ankle straps. Poppi would get me pair after pair and try to get
them on but my little ankles and legs were always too fat. I remember
Poppi laying me down on the couch and putting the new shoes on me and
my leg up in the air for him to try to fasten the strap. Never ever
did they fit. So all my life I wore shoes that were immensely too long
and flopped all around just so I could get my fat round little butter
ball feet in them. Shoes. Always an issue. Shoes and clothes.
I always wanted to
ride the teeter totter. But could barely do it even with 2 kids on the
other end.
I recall having to
carry and produce a birth certificate in order to get child prices at
the movies. Crikey. And always the food police hot on your heels,
checking for smuggled calories.
When I was
11-years-old
I went down and started beauty school. I lied and said I was 15.
I had to work an extra 500 hours to pay for some of the costs of the
schooling. I also was long done with the 1500 hours before I was old
enough for the state board licensing exams. You had to be 16 for that.
Well, the school was going out of business. So they processed me
anyway even though I was only 15 by then and I did the exam in Chicago
and got my license while I was still just 15. I was very proud and got
a job right away and was very good at it.
Richard was one year older
than me. He came from very unfortunate home . . . even worse than mine. He
loved me. He was in the Army. He wanted to marry me. He knew I did not
love him but wanted to marry me anyway. So he and my mother planned
the whole thing. She even made my the dress and played the organ for
my wedding in her music studio. We spent 2 weeks together and
he returned to duty in Hawaii. I should have gone with him but was
convinced I could not survive on my own. I could not sew and where
would I ever find clothes to fit me? Even Lane Bryant rarely fit me
even then. So I went home to wait till my allotment checks started so
I could leave and get an apartment. I was barely 16.
School was not only
emotionally brutal but agonizingly painful, too. Do you recall the
folding chairs from junior high school with the desk that curved around
the front of it? I hated those so much. So difficult to get in and out
of and painful to sit in for hours on end.
P.E.
Being forced to get naked with a room full of twig children when
you were fat and already had boobs was horrible. I was always shunned and
picked last for teams. I remember the awful humiliation in grade
school every year when we were forced to try to climb this big heavy
rope up to this incredibly high ceiling. I could never even get off
the ground. I hated it sooooo much. The stupid ugly PE uniform that I
could barely squeeze into?
Amusement rides in the park nearby....
Like trying to get the safety bar to close on the roller coaster and
be able to withstand the pain of it mashing your guts up really bad.
My cousin Becky and
I were born 2 months apart. We always prayed and hoped we would get to
be in the same room at school, but every year we were disappointed.
Come to find out her mother, my Aunt Dorothy (who was
tremendously SSBBW*), told the school every year that we were not
to ever be placed in the same room together. She did not want her kids
to be associated with me too much because I was FAT! Ain't that a
kicker! She had a tremendously huge wide ass and hips and moved
along very slowly and it would all sway as she walked along. She
saw herself in me, I believe, and I felt her disapproval for being
fat, too.
I was just barely 9
years old when I started my periods and had breasts blossoming. I kept
my arms crossed and a sweater pulled over me to try to hide them. None
of the other little girls had these things. Just me.
*SSBBW - Super-size
big beautiful woman.
