Until about age 8, I
was very high energy. In fact, when viewed as a toddler running around
in family movies, I was always the kid running in and out of the room. I
seemed to enjoy the limelight, had a lot of confidence and was very
happy with anyone who was around me.
Starting in about second
grade, I started to retreat into a shell. I remained very verbal at
home; but, outside the home I usually appeared shy. I had one special
girlfriend who was my neighbor and she and I spent most of our
non-family time together.
I was very good at
music, playing a flute. I was pretty good and I played first chair in
the junior band through 8th grade. When I went to high school
I didn't apply for the marching band because I didn't think I could
find a uniform in my size. My parents did not encourage me to try. As I
think back on it, it was my decision not to try out for the marching
band - I just didn't want the rejection. I switched over to piano
playing, a way to enjoy music alone.
All of my memories of
childhood are somehow tied to my weight. No matter what the occasion (church
presentation, music appearance, visiting relatives, vacations etc.), the
occasion was always preceded with a search for something to wear.
Clothes shopping with my mother was always a sad time as she dragged me
from store to store trying in vain to find something appropriate for me
to wear.
I never thought I
was any different than my friends until I was about 7. I remember my
mother always talking about she couldn't find anything to fit me. She
started to sew my clothes. Having homemade clothes was like a billboard
for "fat kid here". I felt separated from kids my age. I started to
turn introspective.
My father, who was
always being put on diets by my mother, never said a word about my
weight. His big concern as I was growing up was that I bit my
fingernails.
My sister, who was
never overweight, never said a word about my weight until she got
married. She was 21 and I was 13. My mom wanted me to be her "junior
bridesmaid" but my sister never seemed to warm up to the idea. She had
3 bridesmaids who all fit the "perfect" look for 1958. My mom
insisted; but, I have always felt that my weight was the reason that she
didn't want me involved.
My mother was
insistent that I lose weight. She put me on diets, dragged me to the
doctor, drove me to the "spa", read me every diet article in the
women's magazine and stood me on the scale every morning. To the day
she died, I always associated her with dieting.
All through high
school my mom had me on 900 calorie diets with appetite suppressants. I
went to the doctor every month for my weight in and to get a new
prescription. I can remember thinking how odd it was that the nurse
weighing me in, lecturing me for my minimal weight loss and taking my
blood pressure was a super-size woman.
As part of the
weight loss program, my mom signed me up for several days a week at the
local woman's spa where they would have me stand with a jiggling belt
around my waist and butt, a rolling cylinder that would roll under my
thighs and a steam room that would sweat out the "toxins." I
remember being the only child there with all the other women being about
size 4 in pink leotards. I lost a few pounds; but, I quickly put them
back on plus more. My family never exercised. My mother sat in the car
reading while I exercised. I look back on it now and I wonder why she
didn't just go out for a walk with me or take me bike riding.
In school I was what you
would call
an "underachiever." There were always notes going home from the
school to my parents saying that I was very bright; but, that I didn't
try hard enough. I was a straight C student. My folks would make a bid
deal over the few B's I was able to bring home. There was no
expectation of college in my family; so, my grades were not an issue.
The reality was that
I was fighting a daily battle of what kids to hang out with. The popular
kids who lived in my neighborhood were not interested in me due to my
weight. They were are all into getting good grades, going to college,
great clothes and boyfriends. I tried to get their attention and
approval by signing up for school activities; but, I was kidded so much
about my weight, I dropped out of everything and started to become a
loner at home.
When I graduated
from college, I went on to junior college and I blossomed. I moved out
of my folks house, worked part time and went to college full time. My
grades were all A's. My interactions with my new friends and teachers
were not oriented around my weight. My self confidence seemed to grow
and I decided to be the first person in my family to go on to a
university. I started to excel as a business student and I continued to
build my self esteem. My father was delighted with my business major and
my good grades. My mother continued to be devastated that I was putting
on weight while living in the dorms.
The teasing was the
worst for me during my junior high/high school years. The teasing seemed
to center around my "uncool" clothes, not my weight. But, I knew
that if I weighed less, I could buy "cool" clothes.
I don't ever
remember any adult coming to support me vis a vis my weight. In fact,
just the reverse. My memories are of a long stream of adults trying to
change me by getting me to lose weight. Any adults that came to help me
were oriented towards getting me to "do better" in school by
applying myself.
I wanted
everyone all to see me as a person, not a
fat person. I can remember spending a lot of time trying to figure out
how to present myself more quickly so that everyone could quickly get
past my size and start to listen to Susan the person.
