I
was always an 'adult' kid, that is to say always serious and
focused. Had to try to be
the best and couldn't just be a kid, but rather had to be the best. I
took special pleasure in playing my guitar, and still do.
Music was the one arena where I could stand up and compete with
anyone and not feel backward or ashamed.
I could put myself out there and feel proud.
I could win over people and get them to see another dimension of
me, beyond the weight and deep inside the 'me.'
I
guess I remember being at home with Mom and Dad, where I felt safer than
anywhere else. I remember
telling them that I wanted to be with the forever and if anything ever
happened to them, I wanted it to happen to me too so we wouldn't be
separated. I didn't want
to be alone. We always
loved animals in my house, especially dogs. I've always felt closer to
my doggies than just about anything or one in this world.
Music was another strong influence in my life.
My dad was from down south; I grew up in NYC, but loved country
music I guess from my dad. I
learned to play a guitar to please him, and it did, very much I must
say. My guitar has been a
great source of consolation for me though out my life; one of the most
precious gifts he gave me (I gave myself?)
Hmm,
a couple of events cinched it for me.
The one incident that stands out most as making me realize I was
overweight is the day I was running at school and I tripped on a crack
in the cement sidewalk. A
group of kids standing around saw my tumble
and noticed the broken concrete, except they attributed the crack to the
fact that I'd fallen and broke it, not the other way round.
I remember the pain and humiliation and the doubt too (Geez, did
I really break the concrete?)
A
couple of days later, in class, I had to get up and
get weighed in front of everyone.
Painful
enough, but then on returning to my seat, the chair collapsed under me
and everyone, even the teacher, started to laugh.
Almost funny I suppose, if you see the mental picture.
But picture an 8 year old fat child who just fell and everyone is
laughing at him. Got the
picture? Well that day certainly helped me realize I was different.
Mom
and Dad were supportive of me regarding my weight and always said,
I wish you could just eat whatever you wanted to without it
'hurting' you. They
were always kind and tried to shelter me from the horrors of a cruel
world. So too did my
half-sister, who would run to school to fight my battles for me at the
drop of a hat. I was very,
very fortunate to have a loving family that did everything they could to
help me, love me and support me all my life.
My mom never stopped believing in me and never let me stop
believing either. I really believe she suffered along with me.
I
always excelled academically.
I
loved science, mathematics and reading.
I always scored high on standardized testing.
On the other hand, gym and sports were torture for me. Being
forced to wear shorts in the gym was always a dread, as was just looking
for shorts that would fit me.
Standing
in line to be passed over when choosing sides for games was another
circle from Dante's hell that I suffered through.
In addition, I wasn't popular in school, unless you consider
being a favorite target for ridicule as a perverse form of popularity.
I
used to dread Sundays because it meant that Monday was one day closer
and with it, all the teasing and prodding I'd surely face. I didn't
suffer from physical abuse, as I guess I was too large for any of them
to entertain taking on, but I did suffer endless streams of abusive
language, laughing behind my back and in my face,
and cruelty at the hands of my schoolmates.
I would often wonder why they hated me so and soon I began to
hate myself as well. I
never was invited to any parties.
I
mean never. And if I did
manage to make a friend here or there along the line, I was always
suspicious of their 'true' motives.
Did I have something they wanted?
Were they just setting me up for another prank?
I remember once, some guys set me up to believe that there was
this girl in the class who liked me and wanted to go to the movies with
me. Of course it wasn't
true. When I went over to
her to ask her out, it seemed like the whole class was aware and just
fell over laughing at how preposterous a notion that was.
Still hurts to think back about it.
I
shared my pain, and my shame, with my parents, but never with any
teachers or school officials, and I strictly forbade my parents from
involving anyone outside of the family.
That would be too embarrassing and too painful to admit to.
Bad enough I was being tortured, I could admit to it.
To the extent they could help, my family would shuttle me to
school in cars or meet me after school, but there wasn't much they
could do during class. So I
spent most of my so-called formative years as a loner.
Later I always liked to call myself a loner who couldn't stand
being alone.
I
think, looking back, I wish the teachers and the other kids had seen
just how vulnerable I was and how I wanted to make friends and be a good
friend with others. I was
always so alone, off by myself because no one wanted to play with me or
talk to me, as if fat was contagious and I'd infect them.
Looking back, I'm certain that some of the 'grown-ups' had
deeply held prejudices of their own about fat kids - they were just
more sophisticated in the way they'd express it.
I
have made several attempts to lose weight and, in general, my focused
attempts are usually successful.
At
the age of 15 I lost 140lbs through a ten month Weight Watcher's
regimen. I went from 320lbs to 180lbs in high school.
At the 'end' pf the diet, I was just holding my weight, and
when I tried to switch to a maintenance diet, I began to gain right
away. Prodigious amounts
piled back on me no matter what I tried to do.
The weight gain continued as I attended college and professional
school (I'm a Board Certified Physicians Assistant.)
Years later, I tried another diet, and again lost something on
the order of 250lbs. And once again, at the 'end' of the diet I
began to swell back up beyond the weight I'd started out at.
Today, I'm not really sure, but I'd imagine I'm over
500lbs, I have congestive heart failure, am severely restricted in my
ambulation and severely depressed.
